The Onion - fake news you can trust

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Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest
Poll Finds Americans Would Endure At Least 150 Million Dead In Exchange For Cheaper Burrito Bowls
Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date


325 Pins
Pussy-Hat-Wearing Jeff Flake Spotted Protesting Outside Senate Ahead Of Voting Yes For Kavanaugh
Senator Feinstein Wondering If Now A Good Time To Disclose 7 Highly Credible Murder Allegations Against Kavanaugh She Received Weeks Ago
Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report


1.4k Pins
Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her
Experts Warn Nation’s Aging Sewer Infrastructure Could Be Just One Huge Turd Away From Collapse
Disney’s Hall Of Presidents Opens Exhibit Of Historic Shadow Leaders Who Really Ran Country


452 Pins
Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them
Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals
‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall


323 Pins
a man standing in front of a large group of people at a conference or seminar
New Economic Initiative Would Require Companies Go Back To Naming Products What They Do Plus ‘O-Matic’
an older man holding up a yellow and red frisbee in front of a nathan's sign
Jimmy Carter Wins 2023 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest
a young woman wearing a straw hat standing in front of purple lilacs stock photo
Ornithologist Pretends Not To Recognize Bird She Knows From Work
a large tank floating in the ocean with scuba gear on it's back end
Coast Guard Sends Another Submersible Full Of Billionaires After The First One
a man sitting at a desk using a laptop computer with multiple monitors behind him in front of him
Feds Wistfully Gaze At Photo Of Hunter Biden’s Penis One Last Time Before Closing Investigation
a large cruise ship in the water
‘We Don’t Look So Bad Now, Do We?’ Says Carnival Cruise Ad In Response To Missing Submersible
a small bird sitting on top of a metal pole next to a person in white pants
Bird Would Give Up Flying In Heartbeat For One Ride On Lime Scooter
a small bed with a gift wrapped in red and yellow ribbon next to a chair
Prison Officials Find Beautiful Present Left For Them In Unabomber’s Cell
an older man wearing glasses is speaking on stage with his hands in front of him
Unprepared Tim Cook Frantically Taping Battery To Pair Of Sunglasses For Apple Event
an empty highway with no cars on it and trees lining both sides, in the distance
Mid-Sized City’s So-Called Rush Hour Absolutely Pathetic
a group of people sitting around a wooden table eating food and drinking water from cups
Family Has Rule Where They Don’t Eat Cell Phones At Dinner
a man with grey hair and beard sitting in a chair looking at the camera while wearing a green shirt
Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan
a black and white dog laying on top of a hard wood floor next to a wall
Houseguest Offended After Host Only Offers Rawhide To Dog
a man standing at a podium in front of a screen with a picture of a boy on it
Scientists Link Dwindling Insect Populations To Pale Weird Kid
a man with glasses and a beard is looking at the camera while wearing a sweater
Man Worried He Might Have Mentioned Sorcery Too Many Times During Job Interview